THE NEGATIVE HER

Slowly it had reached the saturation level. Now all she wished was to cry out hard and run back home and never return. She wanted to hide within the safety walls of her house, burying her face in her mother’s lap and forever remain confined to only that.

She met different people every day. Some asked her to smile broader while some used to get irritated with it. She knows she is fat and incapable of many things, however, no one would agree with her. She could sense people making fun of her regarding the same behind her back and remain all sugar-coated in front. She wanted to leave all those people behind, all those games abaft and move towards her abode, where people would only be true to her and nothing else.

She lost her charm. She lost her smile. She lost that twinkle in her eyes. The girl, who would seldom cry, now became so vulnerable that she cried for every small thing. Her ‘Laughing Buddha’ tag changed to ‘Crying Buddha’, something which she herself despised. Everyone wanted her to change in some way or the other. The irony being, she herself wanted to change the way she was being changed into something she is not.

Dumb, Idiot, Fat, Negative, Timid, Fool, Mad, Boring….and the list goes on. Everyone thinks the same, but considerate enough not to say it on her face. She knows it coz of the vibes she gets, however, when asked directly, they deny it quickly. 

She had dreams that she will be able to make a huge family out there, but failed to do so by being left alone in the huge premises. Hence all she would do was count days backwards, wanting to fly back home, to her mother’s embrace, her father’s pampering and her brother’s care and mischief,  not wanting to return back to #familyawayfromhome which meant only for a hash-tag.

THE MEMORY GATES

I stood there outside the wide open, big, black coloured, iron gates. The one-storey building, that stood some 10-15 steps away, looked deserted, reflected loneliness. A heap of pebbles was still standing there, blocking the pathway to the staircase of the house. The office and the tuition centre, located on its ground floor, were shut down for the afternoon break. The pile of bricks was neatly lined on the extreme left. At one corner, opposite the building, a few carts were parked. On the extreme right, the doors of the houses of the cart-pullers were also closed. Everything, over there, seemed lifeless, except for the betel leaf vendor, who put up his shop just outside the gates. He was sitting at his stool-turned-shop and was simply viewing the passing vehicles on the main road.

I turned my attention back to the house. Many years back it used to be my home. This time, I have a more attentive stare.  One slow view from left to right. The balcony still seemed to be the same. For some reason, the plants there still bore flowers. Maybe someone still waters them. When I glanced back towards the left end, I could see my grandmother, sitting by her window, smiling and waving at me-I must be waiting for my school bus. One of my aunts comes and hands her a glass of tea. She too sees me and waves at me, then goes back inside... I am in the hallway, playing cricket with my brothers. I am scared of balls. I run towards the kitchen for some protection... I am standing outside the kitchen, pleading with my mother to take me to school, while she constantly replies, "It is Sunday, a holiday." She goes to the storeroom. I follow her... In the room, I see my brother showing me my new study table, my birthday gift. I was about to hurt myself, but he swiftly pulled my hand away. He then took me outside... Reaching outside, I saw my other brother rushing out from the washroom in a 'critical state' seeing a cockroach. I laughed hysterically and my eyes ran merrily after him... I enter his room. My uncle had returned home that day. All of us kids were sitting, surrounding him, and he was feeding each of us the tiniest bites possible while we watched 'Tom & Jerry'.... Leaving the room, I enter my room. Mine and my brother's legs were tied to the legs of the bed. Both of us at two ends, toys scattered near us. We were, as usual, again punished for something. A toy rolls out in the hallway... From there I go to the empty room of my aunt and am comfortably watching television when two brothers enter the room, fighting like 'cats and dogs'. Soon my aunt enters and scolds them both, and I just enjoy the show. She takes me away with her... Coming out of the room, I see the house beautifully decorated with lights. I enter my grandmother's room and the entire family is there, doing the Diwali puja together... It's time to burst crackers. We are in the open space outside. Someone just lighted a fountain. My gaze goes up as it lights... I can see the terrace.  All of us playing Holi. I can hear the squeals and continuous shouts of 'No...No...No...'. Someone just poured a bucket full of coloured water over me. I run downstairs... Mid-way I see the big Saraswati Idol, decorated in yet another theme. My uncle is dancing and we kids are clapping and laughing. I am sent to get something... At the gate, my aunt is asking my brother to drop me off safely. We carefully cross the mound of pebbles and come towards the big gates. He is constantly holding my hand... He walks past me, and I turn my head to see him, until the time I can see him no more. When I glance back at the house, everything looks blurry. I wipe away my tears, only to stare back, once again, at the lifeless house, which was full of life ages ago.

THAT MEETING IN THE MORNING.

She woke up, startled by the sudden shouting and screaming. She immediately sat up when she saw her mother barging in her room. her mother's daily routine radio had turned on again, precisely almost at the same, usual time. And she went on like, "You have lost all shame. Will first sleep late at night, then wake up late. Here, half the world has left for duty, and here this madam is still in her dream world, sleeping away to glory....."

She just sat there, her eyes lowered, her face expressionless, knowing it fully that that was the best way to deal with her mother's lectures. She had failed in one of the entrance exams and later decided to quit it because she could not handle the pressure. As for that, she was sitting there, sitting and listening to the words of her mother, listening with all the attention she could give then. 

Her hair was a mess, falling all over her lowered face. Her fingers continuously trying to remove the imaginary dirt from near her eyes' corners., in an attempt to keep them lowered. Her brain trying to wake up just as quickly as her frame did. Her ears yelped for some cotton plugs to shut out the loud noise. And with all this going on together, she was trying hard to stifle a long yawn. 


However, unaware of the inattentive audience, the radio continued, uninterrupted, and signed off the show with the words, "Get out of the bed. Freshen up. And come to the living room in 10 minutes. Just TEN MINUTES." And after those words, the silence that settled was like the start of the snowflakes falling on the ground and settling itself comfortably. It was so welcoming and so soothing for her ears and her mind too.

After her mother walked out of the room, she jumped out of the bed and went straight into her washroom. While brushing her teeth, she was trying to figure out what she had to say, how she had to say it and with every rub of her brush and a shift in her hand position, she framed a new sentence that she would say to her parents. This wasn't her first time. She has had such meetings previously as well. So she knew what to say and how to say it. And just like all the previous times, she left the washroom with determination, the determination that this time she will convince her parents. SHE WILL.

She entered the living room exactly after fifteen minutes her mother had left her room. Not so bright room, her parents sitting in a stiff position, their empty tea cups placed on the table in front of them. (It meant they already have had a discussion before calling her.) Their eyes intently staring back at her. Her mother did throw a glance at the clock when she entered but said nothing. With a sigh, she seated herself on a seat diagonally opposite from where her parents sat. Looking at them, all her determination vaporized. And then the session started all over again...

This time they were harsher, this time they were more strict. Her ideas, her plans were not even listened to. She had been given the final ultimatum. If she would not decide, all strings would be pulled off and she would be married off soon. And this is how that dreadful meeting ended. Later that day, she got herself enrolled for the course her  parents wanted her to do, only to welcome more taunts, more pressure, and more defeat than what she had faced in the previous one. And where she had thought that she would finally get to take a step towards her dream, she actually walked backwards, going away from what she really desired.

YOU HYPNOTIZE ALL...

She was the best juggler in the world. She ranked #1 in the juggling business. She could manipulate people, hypnotise them and get her will done. Wherever she went people followed her, just like rats had followed the 'Pied Piper of Hamelin'. Her fragrance lured people. They could perform acts risking their own lives and even take someone else's life for her sake. They could do the best of the deeds and even the worst of the crimes just to possess her.

In some hearts, she instilled love; and in many hatred, jealousy and anger. Be it when she was young - crisp and beautiful; or be it when she is old - wrinkled and shabby, her value has not changed. Over the days, months and years she is being handed down from one person to another, she is being used, stains cover her body, but still people feel delighted on having her. They praise her and worship her like no one else. They handle her as if she is a fragile, delicate being and adore her like she is their only love. She rules their hearts and casts such a magic spell that makes sure that no one can take her place in their lives.  

She has made many families, many families have broken coz of her. She has brought many friends close and have turned many to foes. Many have fulfilled their dreams with her presence, but her absence has crushed many of them too. Those who have her always have had the undue advantage - a better lu

ck, a bigger confidence. This is the reason why people run after her like wild, mad bull who runs after the colour 'Red'. Having her standing beside them is the biggest security they can feel. They feel as if nothing can go wrong. 

SHE; who has the power to be placed equally with GOD or maybe even above Him is none other than the 'MONEY' itself. Money; the main cause behind the happiness as well as the misery of the people. When it comes to theory, people will say money  is not that important, but in reality every deed done by a human has a monetary interest hidden in it. People will say 'money can't buy happiness' whereas in today's life everything that makes us happy can be bought only by money. It's strange to see that today, even within families, if you have money, only then you have respect, or else you get looks like "Who are you?" The rich always have the say and the poor is just deemed to follow.

However, exceptions are there just like in every other field. There still exists people who try to find love and happiness not in materialistic things but in the small things of life. They do not run after money, they are satisfied with whatever they have. Instead of cribbing about lack of money they live a laid back life and enjoy every moment that comes their way. 

Money has a strange luck, which could be called a cursed one. One moment it is placed very high, but when asked to describe it, it is called 'the dirt of hands' which is there just for fun. It acts like a whore in one's life, where people use it just to enjoy themselves and nothing more. They use it for their happiness, their satisfaction and once it is done they do not hesitate to hand it down to others who again uses her in the same way.

Think about it. Is MONEY really worth of so much of attention?

CAN I TRUST YOU ? (PART-1)

She was your doll, you, her hero. She used to adore you like no one else. You were her first best friend, her first love. Whenever you would leave the city for a few days for work, she always used to have tears in her eyes. Whenever you used to be late to get back home, she used to wait for you, her eyes moving like a pendulum - once at the clock and once at the door. And before going to bed she used to run into your arms, kiss your cheeks and gleefully say,"Goodnight Daddy!" She was your flesh and blood. She was the living evidence of your love for your wife. She should have been safer with you than with anyone else in this whole wide world. Then how could you? How could your hands undress her, the same hands which once used to set her diapers in place? How could your fingers explore her, the same fingers which she held to learn to walk to explore different places? How could you kiss her with the same mouth which refused to take in a morsel of food if something happened to her? How could you lay your eyes on her, the ones which used to check if she is okay, every now and then? How could you sleep with her forgetting the days you used to lull her to sleep in your arms? HOW COULD YOU, BEING A FATHER, RAPE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER? You were supposed to protect her from the outside world goddamn it! Not to make her a toy for your evil intentions yourself. How could you? Just how? 

She thought you to be her best friend. She used to look up at you always. Yes, she did fight with you, but she loved you the most too. Whenever she used to cross the road, she used to hold your hand out of sheer habit. Any complaint against anyone bullying her in school or complex, she knew just that one person whom she could run to, it was you. Whenever she looked up to you she only had respect and trust for you. She shared every detail about her life with you: her list of crushes, her guy friends, her girlfriends and their boyfriends too. She tried most of her firsts with you: first long drive, first late night movie, first drink...but the first kiss and losing her virginity by doing it for the first time was not what she had intended to do with you. But you did. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU, BEING AN ELDER BROTHER, RAPE YOUR LITTLE SISTER? Your parents had entrusted you with her responsibility. You were the one giving away warnings to all the wrong guys who loitered around her. You were a father figure to her. You were supposed to push away the guys who tried to harm her and not push your manliness into her, you coward! How could you? Just how?

She held you for the first time when you were just a few minutes old. She could finally see you, feel you and touch you. She used to talk to you through the womb of her mother. You liked that, that is what your mum would tell her. After you came home, she was the one who was most excited. When she used to be at home, she used to spend her entire time with you, watching you and playing with you. She had even insisted on taking you to school with her after a few days of your coming home, and she cried a lot when she wasn't allowed. She could not stand letting you out of her sight. Whenever you would pull her hairs and you would get a scolding for that, she used to feel guilty, feel it was a small mistake of yours which she could have overlooked. But how could you not realise that pulling hairs and pulling off her dress are two different things? How could you not realise that the scar on her forehead because of you, which was still visible after years, was nothing compared to the invisible scar you put on her life? She always protected you from bullies when you were a kid. Then how could you indulge yourself in an act where she herself needed protection from you? HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU, BEING A YOUNGER BROTHER, RAPE YOUR ELDER SISTER? She loved you more than she loved her parents. She sacrificed so many things for you just for your smile. She brought you up like her baby. And in return what do you give her? Ceaseless pain,  a lifelong reason to be ashamed, and your dick inserted into her, you shitty creature? How on Earth could you? Just how?

Could this be the end of the treachery by the different relations? Or are there more? Wait for the next part to find out...

WHOM DO I TURN TO?

Having relived the happy times again, she closed the album for the last time, a single drop of tear trickling down her face. She had no more tears to shed, she had no more emotions left inside her...she was void of them now....  On the cover of the album was scribbled...'happy days'... They were indeed happy days. She thought she had married the best man on earth, only to be proved wrong after a few months of marriage....

She was happy that she was marrying a man just like she had always wanted...smart, handsome, understanding and a man full of surprises. After a few days of their being together, the clouds of love started to scatter, with the beginning of arguments between them, from small to huge. Sometimes a sorry was enough to make-up and sometimes it took a day or two to start talking again.

He had bestowed the sweet and loveable surprises first....to keep the wilder ones for a later time. One day she got a taste of that too. He had returned late that night and since the food was not heated properly, came a whopping slap on her face, the red mark of his five fingers leaving a temporary mark on her face, but with a permanent effect on their marriage. She tolerated a few more blows, over a month or so, and when she could take it no more, she left for her parents' place.

She was made to understand that running away like this is not good, society will look down upon them if she returns to her parents' place in this manner. She went back, only to be hit more harshly and more frequently. The hands were replaced by leather belts, one or two strokes became five-six. The five-fingers red mark changed to blue-black patches of the fist blows, the red striped lines of the belts, and the dirt covering another set of blue patches from the soles of his shoes.

She cried to herself. She had no one to talk to. She felt embarrassed for the situation in which she was. She felt guilty and thought it was all her fault. She did not want to turn to her parents, they would not understand. She could not turn to her friends because she was ashamed of her present situation. When she could see no other option, and when she was completely broken and could not endure any more, she chose the easiest way out, SUICIDE.......

So many ladies suffer from such domestic violence. Most of them keep numb, keep shut about their situation, feeling embarrassed, scared. They do not know how to deal with such situations. They either continue to suffer the pain silently or choose the easier way out- to run away or simply death. Very few take up the courage to report against such monsters and make sure they are rewarded with the right punishment.

...AND WE ALL FALL DOWN.

She hesitated before leaving the building. Taking a deep breath, she finally came out of the gates. As she walked, the tension within her could be sensed. Short, quick steps, bag clutched close to her body and eyes constantly looking down. She was so full of shame that she could not look into any of the many eyes darting towards her. When she reached college, not a single friend of hers came to talk to her. Overnight she had become a stranger to them, with whom no body wanted to be associated with. She was paying the price of being his sister.


Back in the house, the mother hid herself behind the closed doors, cut off from the outside world. The maids refused to work for her family anymore. She busied herself in the household chores to keep the thoughts and guilt away. But every now and then, tears automatically flowed down her wrinkled cheeks and curses for him unknowingly skipped her mouth.

After a week of solitude, the father finally left the house for his normal morning walk. As usual, there weren't many people in the park. The few buddies that he had just patted his back and walked away. Not a word was spoken between them. He thought he was strong, but he was too weak to accept the present situation. He walked back to the safety of his house, only to lock himself up for yet another week.


His brother felt uneasy going to school. Lessons were important. Reluctantly entering through the school gates, he found his situation was no different from that of his sister or father. To him it seemed as if he was invisible to everyone. No one even glanced at him. But amongst all of them, came a small tap from behind. It was his cousin (they studied in the same class). He pulled him to a corner only to express his anger. They had never fought before, they always stood by each other but today he abused him. His situation was the same, invisible to others. He left saying, "It's my bad luck that umm related to you and that bloody HIM."


Meanwhile, HE was behind the bars. Even after being beaten up badly by his inmates for what he had done, there was not a pinch of shame in his eyes or any bit of remorse on his face. Rather there was pride. He wasn't worried about being behind the bars. He was sure he would be released soon. Sooner than his other inmates. His crime was very small. He had just raped a girl, that's it.

But not many families face this, as very few of the rapists are actually caught. Most of them escape. They are left free to hunt down another prey. And even if they are caught, do they care? Not the least. Because they know they are not gonna be punished...ever in their lifetime.